A really good friend of mine Jez begged me to start a blog after I told him this story and it seems to have made quite a few people laugh. I'm a big advocate of laughing, so I thought 'why not'? Here is the tale, (or tail), of
The Crazy Plumber and the Kitten.
I live alone in a lovely cozy little garden flat out in the wilds of Hackney East London. I DJ, and work part time in a beautiful Vintage Clothing Shop to ensure rent and bills are covered. I'm very Independent and enjoy a good social life, with a lot of friends to keep me entertained. In fact my life is exactly what I want it to be and I am very happy.
On moving into my garden flat a few problems arose concerning a very noisy boiler, it sounded like my old gym teacher was standing outside my back door, constantly blowing a whistle as loud as she could. So, I contacted the estate agents and they sent round a variety of plumbers and service engineers to try and solve the problem and they all kept saying the same thing. A 'Power Flush' was needed. Several weeks later a new plumber was appointed, who knocked on my door one day. Now remember, I live in a studio flat, so there is only one open plan room and a separate bathroom, which means I am in the same room as anyone working on my flat, hence forcing me into social situations requiring some communication, whether I feel like it or not.Promptly a lot of industrious equipment was dragged through the studio and out into the garden and the Power Flush is finally begun. The process of Power Flushing consists of noisy machines pumping out shitty water from all of the radiators and boilers servicing the block I'm living in this lasted for eight hours solid.
The next day the main boss of the company (lets call him Dick), turned up to check and finish the job.But when he switched on the boiler guess what? Of course the boiler still whistled like a referee on speed. Brilliant. Another whole day of chitty chatty and endless cups of tea and the hi jacking of my life by this stupid boiler was getting boring but Dick eventually fixed the problem and everyone is happy and relieved. But no, that would not be real life now would it? The next day at work in the vintage store I had a call from Dick telling me that the boiler for the two flats above mine is playing up and the heating and water are both only luke warm, he needs to come back and sort out the problem pronto. But because the boilers are in a cupboard in my garden, I have to be there to let him in. Straight away a small alarm bell tinkled in my head. The next day I arranged to be home so Dick could come over. I went about some chores while I waited and on going outside to the garden to hang my laundry on the line, it dawned on me to have a look at the boilers and check the thermostats for the water and the heating . I had an acute instinct that Dick might have tampered with them to gain another visit to my studio. Sure enough when I opened the boiler cupboard I had my womens intuition high fiving my sixth sense BAM!!!! Both temperature gauges were turned right down!!! So I flipped open my phone and called Dick. He answered, sounding very jovial and no wonder, he thought his plan was going accordingly. It turned out he was at the door that very second! So I answered and there he stood with a box of expensive items from a reputable confectioners, in his hands wearing a big stupid smile on his sleazy face.But at this point I was still unsure of what to do, and because I've been bought up with manners),( No one told me when NOT to use them).I invited Dick in for tea. Telling him as I trounced down the hallway, that he had had a wasted journey ,as I had discovered that he had left the gauges too low and I had simply adjusted them myself. Dick still insisted on checking anyway, (just to make his story a little more valid).
Dick and I chatted and drank tea and then chatted some more and all the while I felt as though something wasn't quite right. But for some reason I just told myself that it was some silly trust issues after a particularly bad break up from my previous relationship.Just then, my neighbour a very intriguing lady named Alsa knocked on my door. The plumber had outstayed his welcome and I hoped that inviting Alsa in for a cup of tea would encourage Dick out of the flat and on his way. . Sure enough he took the hint and saw himself out whilst Alsa and I chatted away. As soon as we heard the front door slam, I was telling Alsa all about what had been going on.
After another long day, I was exhausted. I chucked some nachos under the grill, picked a movie and slouched out in front of the TV to relax. Just after finishing my cheese fest, I smelled a burning smell...Had I left the oven on? I jumped up and crossed the room towards the kitchen to check, the smell was getting worse , I couldn't figure out where it was coming from and then all of a sudden. 'Whoosh'! The curtains were a wall of flames up to the ceiling!!!! I definitely said 'Fuck' and then about a million thoughts raced though my mind. In a flash I realized I had no choice but to get the blinds off their fastenings and so I grabbed the flaming wall and with all my might, I ripped it down and onto the floor, beating the rapidly heightening fire with my bare hands, then I grabbed the nearby rug and used that to try and cull the roaring mess. By which point, the the neighbours from the flat next door were banging down my door to see if I was OK and asked what was burning??? To which I politely cooed 'Just a minute', as I flapped about like a mad windmill. Suddenly, the furnace calmed sufficiently for me to unlock the backdoor and tear it open as I threw the fiery heap out onto the decking of my back yard where...Alsa was waiting above, hanging out of her first floor window with a bucket of water, which she duly flung out , dousing the flames and slaying the fire demon. After a lot of wafting with tea towels and a lot of frozen pea applications to my badly burnt hands, it was decided that an ambulance should be summoned and I promptly ended up in the A&E of the hospital a 30 second ride from my house. I was slathered in slimy stuff, quizzed and prodded and freshly wrapped up in big bandages with only a thumb left to indicate what I thought of the situation. It was a head trip having a house fire. So now with a few days off and thankfully no DJ gigs that weekend, I was left to my clumsy devices at home.
With both hands out of action all I could manage was watching movies and making phone calls ,so I called my big sister for a chat/gossip and some advice/gossip. My big sister, Kes, has the opposite life to mine..married, kids, nice big house and a perfect husband, she runs the happiest family life you can imagine. Kes loves to hear all my gossip about men, dates and my crazy lifestyle.
We began to chat about the Plumber. On paper he did sound good and Dick was definitely showing more than an interest in my whistling boiler. Kes said, 'he's eligible, upwardly mobile, hard working, good looking and available ask him out for a coffee'! So, I put the phone down to her and made the call. The next day Dick arrived at my door with a huge bunch of flowers and a vase to put them in. Romantic and thoughtful, (too good to be true)? We went for a our coffee date on the edge of the park and chatted about our lives and adventures as the golden brown leaves tumbled through the autumn sky. And as we sat there acting out our little tete a tete, a lightening bolt of what can only be explained as women's intuition struck me hard. A voice screamed out inside me like a howling banshee, 'OH MY GOD HE"S MARRIED'!!!!! I swiftly glanced at his wedding ring finger...no ring, no sign of a ring and no sign of an absent ring, but still, I felt sure my instincts were correct. The date ended and Dick drove me home, I could tell by the way that he parked the car he wanted to be invited in, so I made my excuses and slipped from the car , into my flat and to safety. I immediately called my sister to tell her that the date had been 'lovely/conventional'. But that I strongly suspected his status. She said, 'just ask him'.
A few days later, I arranged to meet Dick again and this time it was for an evening date. Dick met me from work, I had decided that we would go for drinks before dinner and that I, with nothing to lose, would ask him directly if he was married. We chose a cool but chilled out cocktail bar and ordered a couple of drinks he, flashed his own business credit card thinking it would impress me (it didn't) and as I tried to figure out how I could steer the conversation toward his relationship status,he lifted his drink, and lo, there it was, in all its 'eternal' glory ...his wedding ring. What a fucker!!!!
I tapped it, and asked him straight up, 'Are you married then'? To which he replied 'No, I've never been married, but I do have three kids and this ring has their names engraved inside and it doesn't fit on any other finger'. So now I knew, not only was Dick a liar...he was forgetful and stupid as well. I felt slightly confused as to what my next move should be. We went on for dinner where the conversation was all about how relationships should work, respect, honesty and communication being the things we both agreed on. (All the while I was thinking 'you are not a wolf in sheep's clothing I can clearly see your fangs'). As we were finishing our meal he finally let out with a sigh, 'I really need to change my life'. I feigned confusion, as he had just been telling me all about his successful business and his lovely kids. But I knew the bomb was about to drop.I asked him what is was that he wanted to change. To which he then explained that, he was living with the mother of his two sons and after seventeen years they had grown to hate each other and were only together out of convenience. I strained for a sympathetic face to cover my outrage!! He had strung me along for hours, when I had clearly given him a chance to lay his cards on the table before committing to a whole evening of stupid lies and fallacy. I sweetly asked him 'If you hate each other then are you sleeping in separate beds'? He said, looking uncomfortable, 'No, we still share the same bed'. Well! I stayed to finish my drink, then made my excuses saying I was tired and off home to bed, he seemed surprised and offered me a lift home, 'you've had so much to drink'! I thought and disliked him even more, but smiled sweetly and explained how much I liked to ride the bus through Hackney, alone, at night, after drinking. Testing to see if he would offer me a cab, by now the date had become just as much a game to me as it had been to him all along.
The next day I woke up to a text message from Dick. I couldn't quite believe that here was this grown up man, a father and a business owner, trying to coerce me into playing along with this make believe game called 'his life'. In the past, I might have even been drawn into his ridiculous charade, too scared of confronting a bare faced liar and too pleased that a man, any man, should pay me attention in this way . But not now, after having met a plethora men with similar mental ailments, who I had been duped by in the name of 'love', I saw Dick coming from a mile away. So I simply explained that I had thought him, (by the nature of his sweeping romantic gestures towards me), single and available, but now had realized my mistake, because he was in fact completely the opposite. Another text apologizing earnestly, explaining that he never meant to lead me along and that he would like to be friends. 'Well', I thought, 'What a lucky escape'!!! and 'Not a bad thing, to have a plumber in my contact list'.' Even if he is a mentally retarded sociopath'. And thought that was the end of that.
Nope of course not...
The next day the main boss of the company (lets call him Dick), turned up to check and finish the job.But when he switched on the boiler guess what? Of course the boiler still whistled like a referee on speed. Brilliant. Another whole day of chitty chatty and endless cups of tea and the hi jacking of my life by this stupid boiler was getting boring but Dick eventually fixed the problem and everyone is happy and relieved. But no, that would not be real life now would it? The next day at work in the vintage store I had a call from Dick telling me that the boiler for the two flats above mine is playing up and the heating and water are both only luke warm, he needs to come back and sort out the problem pronto. But because the boilers are in a cupboard in my garden, I have to be there to let him in. Straight away a small alarm bell tinkled in my head. The next day I arranged to be home so Dick could come over. I went about some chores while I waited and on going outside to the garden to hang my laundry on the line, it dawned on me to have a look at the boilers and check the thermostats for the water and the heating . I had an acute instinct that Dick might have tampered with them to gain another visit to my studio. Sure enough when I opened the boiler cupboard I had my womens intuition high fiving my sixth sense BAM!!!! Both temperature gauges were turned right down!!! So I flipped open my phone and called Dick. He answered, sounding very jovial and no wonder, he thought his plan was going accordingly. It turned out he was at the door that very second! So I answered and there he stood with a box of expensive items from a reputable confectioners, in his hands wearing a big stupid smile on his sleazy face.But at this point I was still unsure of what to do, and because I've been bought up with manners),( No one told me when NOT to use them).I invited Dick in for tea. Telling him as I trounced down the hallway, that he had had a wasted journey ,as I had discovered that he had left the gauges too low and I had simply adjusted them myself. Dick still insisted on checking anyway, (just to make his story a little more valid).
Dick and I chatted and drank tea and then chatted some more and all the while I felt as though something wasn't quite right. But for some reason I just told myself that it was some silly trust issues after a particularly bad break up from my previous relationship.Just then, my neighbour a very intriguing lady named Alsa knocked on my door. The plumber had outstayed his welcome and I hoped that inviting Alsa in for a cup of tea would encourage Dick out of the flat and on his way. . Sure enough he took the hint and saw himself out whilst Alsa and I chatted away. As soon as we heard the front door slam, I was telling Alsa all about what had been going on.
After another long day, I was exhausted. I chucked some nachos under the grill, picked a movie and slouched out in front of the TV to relax. Just after finishing my cheese fest, I smelled a burning smell...Had I left the oven on? I jumped up and crossed the room towards the kitchen to check, the smell was getting worse , I couldn't figure out where it was coming from and then all of a sudden. 'Whoosh'! The curtains were a wall of flames up to the ceiling!!!! I definitely said 'Fuck' and then about a million thoughts raced though my mind. In a flash I realized I had no choice but to get the blinds off their fastenings and so I grabbed the flaming wall and with all my might, I ripped it down and onto the floor, beating the rapidly heightening fire with my bare hands, then I grabbed the nearby rug and used that to try and cull the roaring mess. By which point, the the neighbours from the flat next door were banging down my door to see if I was OK and asked what was burning??? To which I politely cooed 'Just a minute', as I flapped about like a mad windmill. Suddenly, the furnace calmed sufficiently for me to unlock the backdoor and tear it open as I threw the fiery heap out onto the decking of my back yard where...Alsa was waiting above, hanging out of her first floor window with a bucket of water, which she duly flung out , dousing the flames and slaying the fire demon. After a lot of wafting with tea towels and a lot of frozen pea applications to my badly burnt hands, it was decided that an ambulance should be summoned and I promptly ended up in the A&E of the hospital a 30 second ride from my house. I was slathered in slimy stuff, quizzed and prodded and freshly wrapped up in big bandages with only a thumb left to indicate what I thought of the situation. It was a head trip having a house fire. So now with a few days off and thankfully no DJ gigs that weekend, I was left to my clumsy devices at home.
With both hands out of action all I could manage was watching movies and making phone calls ,so I called my big sister for a chat/gossip and some advice/gossip. My big sister, Kes, has the opposite life to mine..married, kids, nice big house and a perfect husband, she runs the happiest family life you can imagine. Kes loves to hear all my gossip about men, dates and my crazy lifestyle.
We began to chat about the Plumber. On paper he did sound good and Dick was definitely showing more than an interest in my whistling boiler. Kes said, 'he's eligible, upwardly mobile, hard working, good looking and available ask him out for a coffee'! So, I put the phone down to her and made the call. The next day Dick arrived at my door with a huge bunch of flowers and a vase to put them in. Romantic and thoughtful, (too good to be true)? We went for a our coffee date on the edge of the park and chatted about our lives and adventures as the golden brown leaves tumbled through the autumn sky. And as we sat there acting out our little tete a tete, a lightening bolt of what can only be explained as women's intuition struck me hard. A voice screamed out inside me like a howling banshee, 'OH MY GOD HE"S MARRIED'!!!!! I swiftly glanced at his wedding ring finger...no ring, no sign of a ring and no sign of an absent ring, but still, I felt sure my instincts were correct. The date ended and Dick drove me home, I could tell by the way that he parked the car he wanted to be invited in, so I made my excuses and slipped from the car , into my flat and to safety. I immediately called my sister to tell her that the date had been 'lovely/conventional'. But that I strongly suspected his status. She said, 'just ask him'.
A few days later, I arranged to meet Dick again and this time it was for an evening date. Dick met me from work, I had decided that we would go for drinks before dinner and that I, with nothing to lose, would ask him directly if he was married. We chose a cool but chilled out cocktail bar and ordered a couple of drinks he, flashed his own business credit card thinking it would impress me (it didn't) and as I tried to figure out how I could steer the conversation toward his relationship status,he lifted his drink, and lo, there it was, in all its 'eternal' glory ...his wedding ring. What a fucker!!!!
I tapped it, and asked him straight up, 'Are you married then'? To which he replied 'No, I've never been married, but I do have three kids and this ring has their names engraved inside and it doesn't fit on any other finger'. So now I knew, not only was Dick a liar...he was forgetful and stupid as well. I felt slightly confused as to what my next move should be. We went on for dinner where the conversation was all about how relationships should work, respect, honesty and communication being the things we both agreed on. (All the while I was thinking 'you are not a wolf in sheep's clothing I can clearly see your fangs'). As we were finishing our meal he finally let out with a sigh, 'I really need to change my life'. I feigned confusion, as he had just been telling me all about his successful business and his lovely kids. But I knew the bomb was about to drop.I asked him what is was that he wanted to change. To which he then explained that, he was living with the mother of his two sons and after seventeen years they had grown to hate each other and were only together out of convenience. I strained for a sympathetic face to cover my outrage!! He had strung me along for hours, when I had clearly given him a chance to lay his cards on the table before committing to a whole evening of stupid lies and fallacy. I sweetly asked him 'If you hate each other then are you sleeping in separate beds'? He said, looking uncomfortable, 'No, we still share the same bed'. Well! I stayed to finish my drink, then made my excuses saying I was tired and off home to bed, he seemed surprised and offered me a lift home, 'you've had so much to drink'! I thought and disliked him even more, but smiled sweetly and explained how much I liked to ride the bus through Hackney, alone, at night, after drinking. Testing to see if he would offer me a cab, by now the date had become just as much a game to me as it had been to him all along.
The next day I woke up to a text message from Dick. I couldn't quite believe that here was this grown up man, a father and a business owner, trying to coerce me into playing along with this make believe game called 'his life'. In the past, I might have even been drawn into his ridiculous charade, too scared of confronting a bare faced liar and too pleased that a man, any man, should pay me attention in this way . But not now, after having met a plethora men with similar mental ailments, who I had been duped by in the name of 'love', I saw Dick coming from a mile away. So I simply explained that I had thought him, (by the nature of his sweeping romantic gestures towards me), single and available, but now had realized my mistake, because he was in fact completely the opposite. Another text apologizing earnestly, explaining that he never meant to lead me along and that he would like to be friends. 'Well', I thought, 'What a lucky escape'!!! and 'Not a bad thing, to have a plumber in my contact list'.' Even if he is a mentally retarded sociopath'. And thought that was the end of that.
Nope of course not...
