You would have thought that being caught out for being married whilst trying to make me some kind of extra marital hobby would have been enough to send Dick running with his tail between his legs. But no, this love rat of a plumber had different ideas. After the apology he sent (by text message), I thought nothing more of the whole thing, expecting him to just move on and continue power flushing away, while I went about enjoying the freedom of my newly found independence and the joys of my freshly acquired singledom.
However, a few weeks later, I awoke to a text message from Dick. It explained that he had a friend, an old lady and she had fallen and hurt herself and she (lets call her Fanny)was going to have an emergency hip replacement op. He went on to say that he didn't know who else to ask and so,would I consider looking after a little kitten belonging to Fanny, just for a while? I gave it some thought and realized that with my hectic lifestyle and tiny studio flat, it wouldn't be fair for a poor little kitty to be cooped up all alone.A kitten would be an inconvenience to me, I would have to come straight home after work to make sure it got fed.I replied, explaining that it just wasn't feasible. I received a reply shortly after, it said that the cat was used to being on its own for spells of time and if I couldn't help then the cat would have to be put in a home. Fanny with an injured hip would be devastated, he pleaded on adding that all expenses would be covered and that it would only be for two weeks. This was the point at which I crumbled and let the other, not so sensible voice in my head, be heard. It reasoned, you have the occasional mouse, a cat would be good fun, cute to play with and as for the poor old lady...well...I did feel so sorry for her.So, I agreed to do it just for a couple of weeks. Dick was over the moon. 'May be he's not such an asshole', I thought and admired him for helping out Fanny.
A couple of days flew by in a London minute and the Plumber and I had somehow arranged that the kitten would bought along to the vintage store where I work. Fanny was going into the hospital that day and he needed to make sure her kitten was handed over to a loving carer before she went under the knife. Once Dick had collected the kitten, he gave me a call to ask me for some details, explaining that the cat had insurance which needed to be transferred into my name while the cat was under my care. This prompted me to ask what the beast was called, to which Dick replied, "well ,you can make up a name for her can't you"? Alarm bell number one softly chimed in my head. But the other me said, ' men, they never seem to think these things are important'.So the day went on, intermittently broken up by more texts and calls from Dick, updating me on his time of arrival with the kitten, which he was gushing about with gooey enthusiasm. Finally Dick turned up laden with Fannys little kitty which was in a little grey carry box. Under his free arm was a big bag of kitty litter and a tray,food and new food bowl, shiny new toys, brand new everything!!! Alarm bell two clanged noisily about in my head. Sure enough the little cat was very cute and we took her out to play but she was very timid and just wanted to stay in her box. So off went Dick looking very pleased with himself and telling me how happy this had made Fanny. As soon as he had gone out of the door I said to my work colleague that I thought something was strange about the whole thing and made my way home with 'Little Cat' in her box.
I had the next day off work and had decided to stay at home with the cute and very timid little cat, to make sure she was ok and to make my studio more cat friendly by moving any small objects out of paws reach. My very dear friend (lets call him Rob), was over to meet 'Little Cat', (who still had no name). I told him of my suspicions, to which he replied, 'you should check it out, you were right about Dick being married'. Rob agreed that something was fishy about the kitty situation. Wondering how I could find out if there was indeed some foul play at hand I took the documents that had arrived with Dicks Pussy and had a leaf through them.
On arriving at the insurance document I was surprised to see that he had put all of my details down correctly, excepting my date of birth, which he had stated as being 1937...at this point it was like a whole church steeplefull of bell ringing bible fans was let loose in my head, causing a deafening racket of an alarm....So, I continued my search and found the vet that had issued the insurance document to Dick.I called them without delay.
The Vet confirmed that Dick had been in to get insurance and had more than likely bought the kitty from the pet shop next door, (which ironically was located on the Isle Of Dogs).The kind and concerned Vet gave me the number for the pet shop, which I called with no hesitation. I spoke to a rough sounding but warm hearted cockney lady called Karen. When I explained what had happened she stated, 'I thought there was something funny about him', 'he told me he was buying the cat for an old lady he knew who only works three days a week'. Stunned (and a bit insulted that he had pretended I was old), I thanked her and put the phone down.
Rob was as shocked as I was, not because my suspicions had been confirmed for the second time about Dick, and that there was no Fanny or hip replacement operation, but that there were people that were quite insane, like Dick, who were operating from day to day as seemingly well rounded individuals, just blending in, amongst us 'normal people'. Rob and I were working out the options, when my phone rang and I saw that the caller ID was flashing 'DICK'! So I answered. Gushing with feigned concern he inquired, "how's our little girl today?", I gagged and managed a "fine, how are you"? to which he replied "good thanks, how are you"? I then managed through a confused looking frown,"I'm fine thanks, but why did you lie to me about this cat"? A long silence as he panicked, rumbled, he tried to sound calm as he asked me "what do you mean"? At this point I began to lose my temper a bit, as the reality of the fact that I had been duped began to sink in and that even though there had been the massive lie at the beginning of our acquaintance, I had accepted his apology and yet here he was lying and manipulating at the very first opportunity he had.
So, empowered by the fact that I seen through his childish charade to ensnare me somehow, I explained with gusto, that I rang the pet shop and had spoken to Karen, who had told me of the lies he had told her and that neither of us were happy with the situation regarding Dicks irresponsible treatment of Pussy. 'Why did you do that'? He asked me. It was as though he was disappointed and he thought that even if I had known, I should have just gone along with his twisted idea of romance.
In his mind Dick was the director of a film (about his life) and he could totally disassociate from the real world.But he also expected anyone else he chose to play out a part in Dick The Movie, to be manipulated and say nothing. I berated the kitty giver sternly, all the while Rob and I shared the phone so Rob could hear how insane Dick was being. I told him that as a grown man he should know better than to tell constant fibs and lies to people in order to manipulate them into doing his will. Whatever that was.
I was flabbergasted when he asked me to give him the cat back . To which I retorted that he was incapable of taking care of a kitten, let alone himself or his wife or children and warned him to never ever come near me, my house, my boiler, or my pussy again. I haven't heard from or seen Dick since.
And that my friends is the very true and real story of how I ended up with a cat called 'LC' (Little Cat).
